/I went to church today. This post is going to seem drastically different then any of my other content.
I am trying to get closer to Jesus, today I had a moment where I felt my eyes begin to fill with tears during one of the prayers. This is all very new to me. And I felt nervous and out of place at church. I think its because I never go, seeing all these people I don’t know smile at me so much just makes me feel alone for some reason. I’ve been craving so badly to be involved in the church for some reason. I want to contribute to more than myself, and give back to the world. I’ve become so selfish, and I’m starting to see that we’re creating a selfish culture.
It’s almost like a sense of peace rushes over me when I read or hear certain bible versus’. I’m still so new to this I don’t even know how to talk about God or Christianity. How can I embrace it and not be scared to talk about it? It will come with time, I’m opening my heart up to Jesus. That felt like a huge step to even write down. God has a plan.
Here I am once again, feeling lost, alone, and exhausted above all. This morning hot coffee covered my chest and that was the spark that caused tears that seemed everlasting. As my chest burned so did my heart. I feel as if I’m going through heartbreak, there’s a hollow but extraordinary pain that can only be felt in my chest. With each breath I try to calm my busy mind. I feel so lost in all of this, even though my phone is full of numbers waiting to be called. So why doesn’t my phone ever ring? I search for an answer as to who I am, and what path I’m meant to take within all this. Because that is what this is, an absolute utter mystery. That we each get to relive everyday, wondering if the person six feet away is feeling the same. I keep wondering if they’re smiling underneath their mask, or if they have a cute nose. I miss seeing what people were feeling through their expressions. I think it’s even more frustrating when my expressions are how I have always appealed and communicated to others. A smile goes a very long way, and I think we know that now. I seem to have tears in my back pocket waiting to fall due to the smallest inconveniences. That’s what happens when too many feelings are being held inside. I don’t like being a burden on others, therefore emotions tend to build up into stillness and silence. I tend to get lost in dreams of coffee shops, libraries, and vintage sweaters. All but an utter fantasy.
I love the sun, and the trees. The warmth keeps me sane when I’m worried about our futures. And I wonder if and when the world will become a little brighter and a little kinder. I know things take time and right now there is a true transformation happening. Who knows if it’s for the worst or for the better. All I know is that things are beginning to change, and I can’t wait to not have to spend another holiday working instead of with my family.
I was a vegetarian for three years, and around six months ago I began eating meat again. I decided to switch my diet because I was feeling weak and fatigued all the time. Little did I know that I would experience the same effects while eating meat. Which is honestly upsetting because I thought I found the solution, I thought that I was feeling exhausted all the time because I didn’t have that great source of protein. It is actually because my diet has been horrible whether or not I’m a vegetarian. Of course I love fruits and vegetables and I enjoy many different types of foods. It was because I lazy then and I am still lazy now. I have learned that if I don’t take the time to put thought and effort into my meal choices I will feel like I didn’t spend any time choosing what I put into my body. When you think of it like that it makes sense, if you don’t put love into your food it won’t fuel you with love.
After watching the Netflix documentary Game Changers, it was the eye opener I needed to hear. Being a vegetarian wasn’t the problem I was the problem, and that is one of the hardest realizations for me to accept. I didn’t want to believe that due to my laziness and bad choices like choosing fries over a salad, was the reason I didn’t have energy while teaching yoga or sitting in class listening to a lecture. But I am the only one who can help myself, and I am determined to fix my diet.
To start I am not going to immediately become a vegetarian once again because my heart isn’t in it currently. I am more focused on fueling my body instead of saving the animals, which is exactly why I didn’t put thought into my diet my first go around. Slowly over time I am going to transition to a mostly vegetarian diet. I am going to try to only eat meat once a week or less, I also want to try to eat less dairy. For example if I don’t feel like my meal needs cheese then I will not add any.
I have discovered that you can actually get all the nutrients you need from a plant based diet, which completely blew my mind. I was probably one of the worst educated vegetarians of all time, I never researched or read a book on how I should be eating to stay alive. I also learned that everyone should be taking a B12 supplement even if you eat meat, which I found very fascinating. Every morning I will start the day with my new multivitamin (that includes B12), to give my body the extra help it may need to get all the essentials. I will begin to balance my diet too, with many veggies, nuts, fruits, carbohydrates, and even soy milk. I am going to keep a diet log of what my meals consist of for a month, and evaluate my energy levels to see if I can overcome my constant fatigue.
We cling to what we know, and to what speaks to us in religious way. This faith that connects us to a subject means so much more than what we give it credit for. Imagine if you made a folder of everything that ever spoke to you. This morning I’ve been listening to a poet who turned his writings into songs. I first listened when I was about fifteen, and at that time he spoke to me greatly and he still does. Think of a time when you opened up a magazine or went to a certain place and it spoke to you. There is a true significance there that you are connected to. And what if the things that speak to us are actually predetermined to? Where is the line drawn as to what is destiny and what we have to work for. Does it come down to what pulls us in, the imaginary force that makes us do what we do. How much control do we actually have over our lives. We either have total control or none at all. I’m not sure how much of an in between there is. I guess I believe that if we had control of our lives bad things wouldn’t happen to us and we wouldn’t be placed in sad situations. So many things do not make sense as to why they have happened. Why did my parents get married just to get divorced. I think that is the universe planning their engagement. Even though my Mom knew he wasn’t the one she went through with it anyways, and was married for over a decade. Did that happen so my sister and I could enter this world with those specific parents? We often don’t analyze these things because we don’t need to. There is no one saying that there is a reason outside of ourselves for anything we do. I’ve been wondering if that is true, because my whole life there are certain things that come so naturally to me and I think it’s beyond talent. Because how can you just be drawn to hobbies that no one ever showed you, or made you practice. No one ever made me write for fun, there was never someone telling me to start a diary or write poems and songs. It just happened, it was like I didn’t have a say over it. I believe it was predetermined for me to write about my life and others. I love learning about other people, I could spend all day watching interviews because it fascinates me more than anything else. That has to mean something, that has to be why I can’t express who I am to others because I don’t believe I was meant to. I was meant to show people who I am through my written work and art. There is no way I could share who I am through spoken words because it simply is not possible. What makes this even more ironic is that I have a Mother who is amazing at doing this, she can express everything she believes so easily. Almost like she is put on this earth to explain it. Before I became fully involved in social media I was creating everyday, I came home from school and wrote songs. I danced around my room and was happy even when I was sad. It’s because I was doing what I was meant to do, I let people inspire me and took and gave as I went. I loved new inspiration and I found myself often inspiring others as well. And people have told me this all through my life. Friends and past lovers always saw me differently and loved me for that. It’s like I didn’t have to convince people to love me they just did, even if they couldn’t explain it themselves, then once they were over me they moved on to their next love. I think it’s important to understand that some people will just love you and when they do this naturally they are the ones who are meant to stick around. We all have relationships like these throughout our lives.
When I was younger I thought I would have moved to another state by the age of nineteen. That hasn’t happened, not because I couldn’t if I really wanted to I guess I could. There just hasn’t been that moment for me I guess. And I blame the internet, I think the internet has ruined areas of my life. I’ve spent days researching what to do with my life when I am the only person who can answer that question. I believe it’s rather sad, how much we emphasize everything that isn’t important to happiness. Everyday I should be dancing, but I’m not. Of course this is my own fault, I’m just trying to open myself up to possibilities outside my bubble that I’ve made for my life. There is something major that I need to change, I’m just not exactly sure of what it is. Hopefully, as the season changes to Fall and the air becomes crisp so will my mind. My thoughts seem to come out as a fog, even the people I’m close to notice. Here is a promise to myself that I will stay on the lookout.
Growing up in Northern Virginia I learned at a young age how important money is. That is all anyone ever talked about, it became the emphasis that drove any important conversation. How much your father made mattered, and how much he would inherit mattered even more. I guess my question is where did this all begin? This constant greed that made its way into our lungs at an early age, and traveled fast until it completely absorbed us. Where did it come from, and how would we break away from it?
I remember when I was around ten years old I complained to my parents that our house wasn’t good enough, little did I know that we were living in a very expensive neighborhood at the time. Eventually when I was in high school I started to have a healthier mindset, and began to not care if I had money. I think it was because of my style I didn’t feel pressured, I looked like all my clothes were from a thrift store in California, and they basically were. Towards the end of my time in school my career path was to be a tattoo artist, or maybe a hair stylist. I wasn’t too picky about how much money I would make because it didn’t matter to me. I also had no idea how expensive life was, I always thought it would all work out. Looking back it amazes me that I had such a carefree outlook on life, and made peace with myself. So the question I’m asking is what changed in two years?
I spent the last week stressing myself out about finding a career that would make me the most money. I’m only nineteen and I feel the weight of someone who has to support a family. I’ve become money focused like everyone else. However I don’t want to be this way, I want to feel the same freedom and passion I once did. Imagine if we all continued to do things that we enjoyed even if there wasn’t a payout. I believe the amount of depression that surrounds us would diminish. Instead we need to focus on what makes us happy. It’s a very simple concept that gets brushed to the side too often. My goal is to find a way to tap back into that innocence and savor it.
So my thoughts on fashion are ever-changing once again. I started selling my clothes online. Like a lot of stuff that I just haven’t worn in forever. Honestly it feels really good. I’m not even sure how it happened, but I just don’t contribute to fast fashion anymore. It’s non-existent in my life. The best part is that I’m actually making money off of it, not the other way around.
Where I buy my clothes from
I never buy new clothes. How is that even possible, I honestly don’t even know. But damn do I have amazing luck at thrift stores. I find exactly my style all the time for so cheap forever 21 can’t beat it. That is exactly how I like it, it’s almost like a game in a way. I’ll buy myself clothes from thrift stores wear them until I just either don’t want to anymore or they just don’t fit. Then bam! I simply resell them and make all the money and more back. A couple of weeks ago I bought and Anthropologie dress at goodwill for five dollars. I wore it once then realized it was a tad too fancy to be worn often so I decided to sell it. I made thirty dollars once I sold it. That’s a twenty-five dollar profit, and I even got to enjoy it myself for a special night out. Everyone just needs to open their eyes, we can all work together to get out of this fast fashion black hole.
The best part is my wardrobe is amazing. I have clothes from free people, anthropologie, and others that are very expensive brands. That I could never afford otherwise. It’s not like you can tell that I purchased them for the smallest fraction of the actual price.
Long story short, I go shopping all the time, but I’m the one who is profiting.
I’m nervous, excited, but also scared deep down. My Dad is still going back and forth to whether or not we will be moving up north or if we will be getting a house in down town Fredericksburg. Part of me doesn’t even know which I prefer. I recently just got a job teaching more at the YMCA, but not for yoga, for home school PE. Which I’m honestly so excited about. It’s such a fun activity to be a part of, it really doesn’t feel like you’re working.
So, if we were to move up north I would have to commute which would be very annoying, and if we move to Fredericksburg I would be even closer than I am now. I’m honestly just using this to write my thoughts down, I wouldn’t say this is inspirational by any means.
It’s crazy how I’ve wanted change for so long, but now I’m actually feeling a sense of being scared. That’s probably normal, but I thought I was different. I think I’m just going to make a list of things I want in my life, and this is the change I actually need.
- my dog back- once that happens I can take her on walks again!
- a place I feel comforatblle sitting outside-I think this will spark my creativity once again
- more yoga classes to teach
- make more jewerly
- start college
- discover what my major will be – get a better idea of the area at least
- find another side hustle (after selling a lot of clothes on poshmark I’ve realized how possible it is to make money outside of a shitty job, because when you can’t get a job well you get creative)
- My dream is to have my own business, that is what I want, alongside teaching yoga of course
I’m writing to you,
This isn’t the first time and I’m sure it won’t be my last
I feel trapped again, I feel you soaking me up, consuming me
I feel everything you do, while everything around me pulls at my core
Pulses until I cry out for help because I’m only human
And you’re asking for too much out of this experience
I want out, I spend my days looking for any signs of it
Maybe an unlocked door, anything that can take me away.
Because I can’t connect, I cannot open my heart up to anyone
Even when one wants more than anything to listen to me
To wait as words flow off my lips
The words feel loose, and just like a button they fall before anyone notices
Being left there to stay
So, I have stayed.
I’ve stayed put, I’ve haven’t allowed anyone to get close to me.
To breathe me in
I’m not sure of any other way.
I’m sorry for mistreating you. You have so much to offer the world, and even with all of your great qualities I still make you believe you aren’t enough. That you could be more of this or more of that. And I’m sorry.
Sometimes I take my anxiety out on you. You have been putting so much time into branching out, trying to take on as many yoga classes as possible. And you’re doing such a good job. Why do I make you feel like it isn’t good enough? I can’t even really explain it to myself. It’s not your fault friends have come and gone. It’s not your fault that you feel the weight of the world almost all the time. It is apart of who you are, you’re a writer, a thinker, a true dreamer. You can’t help that your thoughts consist of your dream house with many windows. And warm air consuming you when you step outside. Because that’s your dream. And that is one thing I love about you, you obsess over things you love. That’s a reminder that I know not all hope is lost in you. You love to cook. That is such a good quality that you tend to overlook.
I’m writing to you to say I’m sorry.
I love how much you write. You have filled up journals ever since you can remember. This blog is a small look inside your mind. That you are now sharing with the world. Just because you have changed and you’re not the same person a few years ago doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. You’re mind is beautiful, and you still have so much to learn. I love you and it’s going to be okay. It’s not you. The world has brainwashed everyone into thinking they need to have their whole life figured out by the time they are eighteen.
That just isn’t the case. Think about how far you’ve come. Once again I’m sorry for giving you anxiety about your future. You deserve the best. The best state of mind.
So, snow is here once again in Virginia. I think I’m going to be up pretty late tonight, because my reality is becoming better than my dreams. I’ve started to gain a vision for myself. That is something I’ve been struggling with greatly the last several months. Looking at it now it seems like having a crying fest opened up my eyes to so much I’ve been missing.
We’re not meant to work our whole lives then die. I mean we’re still meant to work hard. Just putting our energy towards something we’re passionate about.
The point is I want to help people. Not in the normal way though, I don’t want to be a nurse or a doctor. I want to teach people yoga, and movement. I want to connect with people from all over the world. We can learn so much from exploring and that’s my goal. It’s like I can see it so clearly now. I want to start my own business. I know I can do it, I just need to start making spread sheets is all. The most successful people saw their dreams very clearly. Once you can see it yourself I think that starts it all, it becomes your reality. It’s all going to become my life.