Here I am once again, feeling lost, alone, and exhausted above all. This morning hot coffee covered my chest and that was the spark that caused tears that seemed everlasting. As my chest burned so did my heart. I feel as if I’m going through heartbreak, there’s a hollow but extraordinary pain that can only be felt in my chest. With each breath I try to calm my busy mind. I feel so lost in all of this, even though my phone is full of numbers waiting to be called. So why doesn’t my phone ever ring? I search for an answer as to who I am, and what path I’m meant to take within all this. Because that is what this is, an absolute utter mystery. That we each get to relive everyday, wondering if the person six feet away is feeling the same. I keep wondering if they’re smiling underneath their mask, or if they have a cute nose. I miss seeing what people were feeling through their expressions. I think it’s even more frustrating when my expressions are how I have always appealed and communicated to others. A smile goes a very long way, and I think we know that now. I seem to have tears in my back pocket waiting to fall due to the smallest inconveniences. That’s what happens when too many feelings are being held inside. I don’t like being a burden on others, therefore emotions tend to build up into stillness and silence. I tend to get lost in dreams of coffee shops, libraries, and vintage sweaters. All but an utter fantasy.
I love the sun, and the trees. The warmth keeps me sane when I’m worried about our futures. And I wonder if and when the world will become a little brighter and a little kinder. I know things take time and right now there is a true transformation happening. Who knows if it’s for the worst or for the better. All I know is that things are beginning to change, and I can’t wait to not have to spend another holiday working instead of with my family.
-Jess