I’m holding on to myself- November 22, 2018

The nicest thing happened, someone talked to me about my blog. I didn’t think anyone actually read anything, even when I have notifications that say otherwise. It truly made my heart feel so full. I went back and read it myself. And it blew my mind. I’ve changed so much in so little time. I think it’s completely because of the conditions in my life. Even though I have so many wonderful people in my life who love and support me, I often feel like I don’t have a set place. Mainly because my living situation doesn’t really feel like I have a home. And my longest relationship has actually come to a closing.

These things start to make you feel independent.

I recently went on a trip to Germany to visit my friend, this trip truly changed everything. Making me more grateful then ever before. Before I left I was kinda in a funk, I felt so bad for myself for the divorce for my home being taken from me, having no personal space, for someone who I loved so much to not want me anymore. Yeah, I was depressed. Then going to Germany made me realize how lucky I actually am. It reminded me of me, like the things I have to offer to people. No one can ever take these things away. Because my kindness, my smile, is me. Everyone in my life is meant to be there. All the hardships are special to my life. Sometimes I really don’t know what to say, but I know I need to write more. At least once a week I guess to not lose myself again.

So, thanks for reading my blog. Happy thanksgiving



Beauty – it’s everything

People say beauty doesn’t matter. But what about when you admire someone so much and a strong part of them you notice is their beauty? You love them more. So yes, looks do matter but I’m not talking about in the way most people see it. I mean as art. Today I’ve researched several artist’s who I admire, and I learned more about them. Like where they came from, how they started their career, etc. Which I honestly do not feel was a waste of time. I just love learning about people I look up to. It makes me feel closer to my own dreams, whatever those may be. I love celebrities, because they are all so real. Like even if someone seems too famous or untouchable, they’re still human. Like they have failed and failed again. Some even grew up in very hard conditions that seem like their futures would have been chosen for them.

I guess by researching stars, I feel less alone in my dreams. But my aspirations are so weird that I can’t even exactly explain what they are. I wish I grew up without social media. I think everything was more real, and everything was fully experienced and not just shoved underneath the rug. Now in days I feel like we’re encouraged to fail, like not do our best so we will always work for someone else. Working directly for someone isn’t always bad I know some people love their jobs, but as a majority I think most people don’t like where they are career wise. Back to beauty-

Art, I think art, beauty, and connections is all I want in life. I just love creations, like I admire things so much. It’s a passion inside me that I can just feel. I just look at things with such a creative mind I tend to get lost in these ideas. However, beauty. Beauty runs the world, every country has a look that is desired. It’s inevitable to be honest. I just love different beauty, when someone is their true self. That doesn’t mean super unique, but instead a combination on one’s inspirers and muses. Every person is a collection of things they love. I put so much thought into the outfits I wear, each aspect means something greater then myself. It’s a true expression of personal feelings, experiences, losses, and true loves. I think this is exactly what makes me an artist. My mind, it’s not even about how perfect I or anyone is. Because, frankly perfection is impossible but beauty will never far away.



Take time to read Vogue-Failure to Launch

I just finished reading “Failure to Launch” by Fernanda Eberstadt. Who is a famous author who wrote Low Tide. It is featured in Vogue this month in August. She talks about when she graduated from Oxford in the 70’s. And how difficult it actually was for her. Post Graduation was a ticket to double depression. She wouldn’t get out of bed for days and this resulted in weeks on cocaine. This honestly blew my mind, I thought it was so much easier back then. And I didn’t know cocaine addicts could become best-selling authors. This didn’t happen over night though. Her brother took gave her a job as his assistant which got her out of this funk of failure.

The climax of the article is that she ends up turning out okay, even successful. I mean she just had her own article in Vogue so I think she’s pretty incredible. Her daughter just graduated college present day, so recently. And I think her daughter is fine she doesn’t go into much detail about her, instead she talks about her friend Kate. She stays with them so she can find an internship, since her family lives in the countryside. Kate starts to isolate herself, she keeps a distance from the family and even her friend. Practically spending her days and nights without human connection. This immediately brings Fernanda back in time. The depressed feeling almost comes back like it never left. She knows Kate needs help even if she won’t admit it. So one day when Kate comes back from a run she starts this conversation. Long story short, she breaks down in tears and soon finds herself in South Korea after getting offered a job by her Aunt.

This opportunity brought Kate out of her funk. Which honestly feels impossible for most of us. I guess this article is perfect timing for myself.

I actually looked through this magazine a week ago and decided not to read any articles. Currently I am unemployed and sort of depressed because of the uncertainity in my life. And going back and taking the time to read this article was a very good decision. It kind of makes me feel less like a loser and more like I’m on the right track. What’s interesting is I’m learning that life is meant to be messy. Like it’s actually supposed to not be perfect, as weird and bizarre as that sounds. Realizing this has made me so very grateful for everything and everyone in my life. Like I’m lucky. Even if I still have a little bit of acne and no income. It’s all good, I’m young and I’m going to figure stuff out. I think we all will.


What it’s like being an unemployed yoga instructor

So, after looking at indeed.com for yet another day I decided to resort to writing about being unemployed. And yes, I am a certified yoga instructor. I have the certificate and everything. It took me 200 hours to get, and I’ve spent much more time looking for a job. Last week I actually taught two yoga classes, they were free but, I did make some money from them. I felt pretty good about myself for the first time in a month. It reminded me why I wanted to be a yoga instructor in the first place. After being unemployed for a while you start to feel sort of like a failure, no matter how much you meditate.

I’ve thought about teaching private yoga classes, but the problem is my house is so small there is no possible way I could make anyone feel at peace when their mat is touching my kitchen table. Maybe I should start making YouTube videos, I’ve thought about this idea a little bit. I just don’t have a place to film these yoga videos. I guess I need to figure out these things, because then I could actually move forward in my yoga career. Because I actually know a lot of information. It just doesn’t feel like it all the time when people constantly deny your request to teach.

Realistically it’s only been a month since I finished my school. Wait it’s actually been two months, which is depressing. Maybe I just need to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Should I read books about being successful? Should I go to college? There’s so many things I feel like I need to figure out and it gets pretty overwhelming honestly.

This is my first post in a long time, I think I’m going to start writing about my life more and just blogging in general. I feel like it’s a good waste of my time.


Happiness, June 10

I’m breathing, I’m alive and I’m so fucking in love with my life. It’s not like anything has changed. I just feel more then I used to. I feel whole.

When you go outside and feel the air on your skin and feel the sun smiling at you. how could you be anything but happy? I used to think that certain things would change everything. But that is simply not the case. I am nothing, you are nothing. We are all in the same moment. The future does not exist nor does the past. I think about so many things all the time. Sometimes it feels like I think more then I actually connect with people. I’ve been making an effort to actually talk to people in person. Look people in the eye, not the floor. I’m still trying to grasp going to unfamiliar parties and feeling okay. Truthfully everything has to take time.

I’m a yoga instructor now, I felt that I had lost my connection to my mat for two weeks. The sadness of the ending consumed me. I even stopped meditation and began to feel empty.

Today is different. I practiced yoga and said I love you to life. And I promise myself that I’m not going to let my spirit die.


I’m shedding my old self – spiritual awakening – The beginning

We all have intuition, whether we realize it or even let it factor into our lives. It’s there like a gift almost. Intuition gives us these feelings to guide our lives in the right directions and take us away from the wrong ones. The last couple weeks have been very emotional and spiritual for me. I’ve been crying very often and about things that don’t make sense. I’ve been crying because I’m sad, but why on earth would I be sad? I have everything I could ever need.

I’m attempting to get to the root of my sadness. I’m even thinking that maybe these aches were given to me from the universe to discover new things and move on in my life. I definitely feel like I’m starting to get to that place.

A couple days ago I wasn’t getting out of bed, and the only thing I wanted to do was read a good book. So I talked to my mom about it and she gave me a book that she read in her twenties. Little did I know that exactly what I was looking for was in the room down the hall. The book is called “Living in the light”, it’s about letting the universe guide you using your own intuition. So this, is exactly what I’m trying to discover.

I’m going to start writing about this journey, I believe my life is going to change for the better.


Accutane month two finished!

This is seriously my face! It is crazy to see how far along my skin has come. My doctor upped my dosage so I took accutane day and night. Instead of only in the morning. This honestly helped greatly. But by doing this my skin has also become way more dry and irritating.

Major side effects

Dryness, my lips are beyond dry to the point where chopstick doesn’t help anymore.

Oh, and my eczema that used to be very mild to the point where I didn’t notice it, is now effecting my arms very badly.

My arms are so sensitive if I put a sweater on my skin burns. And lotion causes the same feeling so there isn’t really a cure.

Don’t go to Florida on accutane, your face will get sun burnt

I don’t feel ugly, it makes me feel so stupid to even say that. But it’s true I don’t even think about my acne anymore. Even though my skin is still far from perfect. I guess I’m starting to realize there is so much more then looks. I think it’s so hard to get out of the box of worrying about your appearance. I guess having such bad acne, then it going away makes me realize how much I’m not going to complain about anything else about my appearance.