We cling to what we know, and to what speaks to us in religious way. This faith that connects us to a subject means so much more than what we give it credit for. Imagine if you made a folder of everything that ever spoke to you. This morning I’ve been listening to a poet who turned his writings into songs. I first listened when I was about fifteen, and at that time he spoke to me greatly and he still does. Think of a time when you opened up a magazine or went to a certain place and it spoke to you. There is a true significance there that you are connected to. And what if the things that speak to us are actually predetermined to? Where is the line drawn as to what is destiny and what we have to work for. Does it come down to what pulls us in, the imaginary force that makes us do what we do. How much control do we actually have over our lives. We either have total control or none at all. I’m not sure how much of an in between there is. I guess I believe that if we had control of our lives bad things wouldn’t happen to us and we wouldn’t be placed in sad situations. So many things do not make sense as to why they have happened. Why did my parents get married just to get divorced. I think that is the universe planning their engagement. Even though my Mom knew he wasn’t the one she went through with it anyways, and was married for over a decade. Did that happen so my sister and I could enter this world with those specific parents? We often don’t analyze these things because we don’t need to. There is no one saying that there is a reason outside of ourselves for anything we do. I’ve been wondering if that is true, because my whole life there are certain things that come so naturally to me and I think it’s beyond talent. Because how can you just be drawn to hobbies that no one ever showed you, or made you practice. No one ever made me write for fun, there was never someone telling me to start a diary or write poems and songs. It just happened, it was like I didn’t have a say over it. I believe it was predetermined for me to write about my life and others. I love learning about other people, I could spend all day watching interviews because it fascinates me more than anything else. That has to mean something, that has to be why I can’t express who I am to others because I don’t believe I was meant to. I was meant to show people who I am through my written work and art. There is no way I could share who I am through spoken words because it simply is not possible. What makes this even more ironic is that I have a Mother who is amazing at doing this, she can express everything she believes so easily. Almost like she is put on this earth to explain it. Before I became fully involved in social media I was creating everyday, I came home from school and wrote songs. I danced around my room and was happy even when I was sad. It’s because I was doing what I was meant to do, I let people inspire me and took and gave as I went. I loved new inspiration and I found myself often inspiring others as well. And people have told me this all through my life. Friends and past lovers always saw me differently and loved me for that. It’s like I didn’t have to convince people to love me they just did, even if they couldn’t explain it themselves, then once they were over me they moved on to their next love. I think it’s important to understand that some people will just love you and when they do this naturally they are the ones who are meant to stick around. We all have relationships like these throughout our lives.
When I was younger I thought I would have moved to another state by the age of nineteen. That hasn’t happened, not because I couldn’t if I really wanted to I guess I could. There just hasn’t been that moment for me I guess. And I blame the internet, I think the internet has ruined areas of my life. I’ve spent days researching what to do with my life when I am the only person who can answer that question. I believe it’s rather sad, how much we emphasize everything that isn’t important to happiness. Everyday I should be dancing, but I’m not. Of course this is my own fault, I’m just trying to open myself up to possibilities outside my bubble that I’ve made for my life. There is something major that I need to change, I’m just not exactly sure of what it is. Hopefully, as the season changes to Fall and the air becomes crisp so will my mind. My thoughts seem to come out as a fog, even the people I’m close to notice. Here is a promise to myself that I will stay on the lookout.
Sincerely,
Jess
